EPIDURAL GUILT? HELL NO!

I just finished watching a birth show where a woman had a water birth, which is done completely naturally. There was a LOT of moaning and eye closing. It seems that every time I watch a learning show about childbirth, the women who go natural says things such as, “my body is splitting in half,” or “I can’t do this anymore,” or simply scream and scream and scream in pain. As soon as a portion of these women call in the anesthesiologist, they suddenly calm and seem to “enjoy” labor more. They almost slide those babies out compared to their natural-going friends.

While I give the water birth and au naturale women a lot of credit and wish I could be so brave, I am choosing to go EPIDURAL - if I can. As mothers-to-be, we’d all like to be planners, but of course this can never happen with a birth. So the reality is that sometimes you don’t make it in time to get the epidural and you have an unexpected natural birth, or it wears off, or you need a C-section. Whatever the outcome is, we’d all like to have control in at least having a plan for the big day.

I have a few reasons for being in the epidural camp:

#1: I am a big fan of modern medicine. And while women didn’t have this option years ago, I have it now, and I’m sure the women from the Middle Ages would smack me down for not using it.

#2: Many women I have talked to that had natural childbirth with one child and an epidural for the other said the epidural birth was a lot more “enjoyable.”

#3: I have a vaso-vagul nerve response to pain. This means that often times, when my body is in severe pain, it shuts down. It usually involves fainting accompanied by a mild seizure. So I’d prefer to be awake and alert during this time.

#4: Right now, knowing I have the option for an epidural is my safety blanket, like my version of a doula. It’s the instrument to guide me to relaxation and strength on the big day.

BUT – birth plans, childbirth classes, yoga, reading, etc., can only get us so far. Ya never know what could happen, so keeping an open mind to every option is the best thing women can do to prepare for the biggest marathon in which we can’t fully train!

You don't want to see a picture of this! The unglamorous side of pregnancy....

The female body goes through a tremendous period of growth and change during pregnancy. I expected the obvious discomforts: back pain, indigestion, leg cramps, slowing down, sore hips, edema etc. And up until last month my chief complaint was just lower back pain.

Then in December, my hormones took over my body and a strange strange thing happened. I got a little bump in my mouth. It didn’t hurt or really even bother me. It was just something I never had before. After this bump had been around a few days I scraped it while brushing my teeth and my bathroom turned into what looked like a murder scene. Blood gushed out of my mouth for at least five minutes. Again, there was no pain, but now with this bleeding issue I was going to have to call up the dentist. My dentist wasn’t sure what it was, so he referred me to an oral surgeon to get a conclusive diagnosis.

My oral surgeon looked at my small bump, which had now grown into a not so small bump, and without hesitation he said it was a pyogenic granuloma, AKA a “pregnancy tumor.” Although completely benign, it can grow larger if left untreated. Who knew? It seems the main causes are a trauma to the mouth, a change in hormones, or lack of dental care. I am definitely in the one category of hormonal change so it was an easy diagnosis.

My surgeon recommended having it removed. As I left for the procedure, I planned to go to the gym afterward, clean out some boxes of old stuff, and do some errands. After all, this was only a short laser procedure. Ha! This little granuloma was so persistent in bleeding that I also needed several stitches. I was sent home with gauze, ice packs, a recommendation not to workout for three days or brush my teeth for a day, no spitting, swishing, sucking, no citrus or soda, and only mild, soft foods. With a throbbing mouth and face, my husband drove me home where I had to lie down the entire day. This was a much bigger deal than I imagined. Again, who knew? Pregnancy really does incite unpredictable and odd things to occur in one’s body.

Would you like a side of fries with your PLACENTA???

Did you know that many mammals eat or lick their placentas after giving birth? Every mammal that is, except humans.

Apparently, this developed into the idea that women should encapsulate their placentas in order to prevent hormone loss, postpartum depression, and to regain nutrients lost at birth. Encapsulating the placenta means that someone takes your juicy, throbbing organ and turns it into a pill to pop. What’s even more shocking is that a small fraction of these women simply take their placentas home and then fry them up with some onions and garlic, or turn them into placental smoothies. Looks like strawberry banana, tastes like eating part of your body!

I talked with my parents about this, because maybe I was in the dark and this is something that a lot of women do. Now, my parents are not scientists or medical doctors, but they are highly educated psychologists and were much closer to being hippies than I ever was. So I thought maybe they would have a thing or two to say about this. They told me that when animals eat their placentas they are likely doing it to hide evidence that a baby was just born, so predators don’t come looking for them. And when they are licking and eating during the birth, it’s in order to open the sac to release the baby. I liked this theory a lot more than wondering if I was missing out if I didn’t eat my placenta.

Upon further research, I learned that placentophagy is the term used to describe an animal that eats the placenta. Doctors have different views, because there could be some nutritional benefit, but the majority of doctors seem to be saying that in a society where we have access to healthful food and nutrients, eating the placenta is not necessary.

Here’s the bottom line: Animals lick their asses. I’m not going to start up that habit anytime soon. Dogs eat cat crap out of the litter box. Also not a habit I’ll be picking up. Animals also live in caves, dens, water, and holes, and I prefer apartment and house dwelling.

So if you choose to eat your own placenta, all the power to ya! It’s brave, unique, and also kind of creepy. I just figure, if the thought of eating my own body tissue revolts me, I’ll follow my OWN animal instincts, and after the birth I'd like a corned beef sandwich and glass of red wine please!